2010 was one of the coldest years of my life even when I went through the four seasons of loneliness it seemed that this present winter has been one of the most frigid and record breaking ever. I wish that there were medications that could heal a bi-polar heart. Just like the winter weather of ups and downs it seemed to express the transitioning stages that I was going through.
My heart would have the warm and sunny feeling of spring highs in the mid 60’s and 70’s this is when I thought love had finally found me. Then the abrupt lows to below freezing tempts of 19 could define how devastated I was for feeling as if I were an Israelite wondering the wilderness for 40 years. I had the opportunity to be freed from my obscure bondage yet I continued to go into the situation each time expecting a change but still ended back at square one. It was a comfortable place for me knowing that I didn’t have to pretend yet dangerous because there was no security only pipedream possibilities.
The season of Insanity is what I labeled my coldest winter ever. Each time I would go back my heart fell deeper and just when I thought things had changed I was rudely awaken by disappointment. “My foolish heart made me fall in love with him I know” would best describe my relationship; I never consulted my heart I just dived in head first without a clue of how to swim. When I finally realized I was drowning it was too late mistakes had been made things had been said and I had no way of being able to take anything back.
I added another year to my list of being Miss little engine that could too reluctant to surrender my all to God. You see I was born and bred a fighter I was told to never give up on something that I wanted no matter how hard the task so to surrender was a sign of weakness in my eyes.
The coldest winter ever has taken its toll on me but yet I still have hope that my season of spring will melt away the pain. My season to surrender and just be seems to be a difficult task but not impossible. In closing I have realized that everything we go through can’t be blamed on the Devil because we have the will to do what we want to do and we have been given the opportunity to make our own decisions rather good or bad. It’s now time to learn from our past mistakes consider it as a lesson learned and keep moving forward. There is no need to live in the past especially when we have such a bright future awaiting us. The coldest winter yes this is true but I do not have to remain in this season of uncertainty and make no mistake about it I will love again.